More gladly will I boast of my weakness

I write this blog with a heavy heart.  I am hurt, broken, humbled, and yes a little ashamed. For those of you who don’t know, I was accepted into medical school. It’s so easy to say, “I was accepted into medical school” but within those mere six words lies quite the struggle to even be able to say that sentence. Quite literally blood, sweat, tears, and health have all been shed for that dream. And now, due to other health complications that decided to show their heads, I just had to call the admissions office to a medical school I was accepted into to let them know I was not coming. 

People say they have always thought me strong, confident, unwavering. But if I must boast, more gladly will I boast of my weakness, for God’s power is made perfect in weakness. It is when we are at our weakest that God’s hand in my life can be seen the best. 

Before I begin to take you on the journey of hardships, please know, as I write just a few of the trials of my life, I am not looking for pity. I am not saying, “oh look at me and how much I endure.” I simply want to paint an accurate picture of how impossible it really was to get to where I am today. This is done not to show you my own strength, but to show you that there is a personal God that cares for every one of our lives, and will carry you through with HIS strength. I realize there are many others with worse hardships than I, who are much more inspiring. But, this is the story I was given, and I’m going to tell it. I encourage you to do the same.

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From every point of view, I should NOT have even been accepted into medical school:

- As I child I dealt with panic attacks and anxiety that robbed my childhood of happiness and experiences at times.

-As an adolescent I dealt with depression, like so many adolescents do. Me, with depression, the happiest guy in the room, the guy that set the mood at get-togethers, the one who makes the grumpiest of people laugh. 

-In college I dealt with a six year illness that should have stopped me right then and there from living, let alone getting any kind of degree. Tumors on my thyroid, liver failure, 12+ kidney stones, swollen brain stem, a resting heart rate of 100+, the inability to speak a sentence without having to stop and take a breath after every 3 words. Mental fog that it made it impossible to study. Fatigue that made it impossible to get to class. Joint and muscle aches they equate to fibromyalgia. Walking pneumonia. My heart’s inability to repolarize the ventricles. On and on.

- I was in a car accident that frankly should have killed me; hit by a drunk driver in an F-350 Super Duty dually (you know the ones with 6 wheels) while I was in a friend’s tiny Chevy Metro. The massive truck hit almost completely head on. It lifted the car, spun it, and slammed it back down.

- Four girlfriends I cared for dearly were raped. Two of them I was dating at the time it happened. One was by her “best friend”, another by her step-dad. I did not understand why people in the Bible tore their clothes out of sorrow. That is, until I got that horrible call, “Tim, please… please come over.” My worst nightmare, now a reality. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was trying to drive with tears running down my cheeks and moaning lamentations from my very soul, my shirt would have been in shreds. 

-As the years went by with my illness, I now prayed for a car to just run a red light and take me out. “God, just take me home” I would pray.

-And NOW, after all of that, other issues arise that threaten to stop my dream of becoming a doctor.

-There are many more to share but I'm not trying to write a novel here lol
 

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All this terrible stuff happening, this proves God doesn’t exist right, Tim?! No. On the contrary, this proves God’s existence, His love, and His loyalty all the more. What I am about to write isn’t to be showing you my accomplishments; my triumphs, because frankly they aren’t mine, and I DO NOT want you thinking they are. Every single one of these, there is literally no way for them to be accredited to me anyways!

+Through my anxiety, I have been made humble as well as found a peace in Him that transcends all understanding. 

+Through my depression I have found a joy that cannot be taken away. The joy of belonging to my God. The joy of knowing that my God died on the cross for me and rose again. The Joy that comes with knowing God thought me worth it. 

+Through my illness I learned what it’s like to be a patient. The fears of waiting for oncology test results. What it’s like not to remember what healthy feels like. I experienced the horrible doctors, and the amazing ones. I learned, not just once but three times, that miraculous healing does happen. For when medicine failed me for six years, praying to God healed me in 3 days. God blessed me with the ability to then finish my first triathlon 4 months later.

+ Of my 12+ kidney stones I had one that was too big to pass, and growing. I went in so the doctors could blast it away. Before going in, my family and I said a tiny prayer for God to remove it. The doctors went in and couldn’t find it. I didn’t pass it. It was gone.

+ I fell on my elbow and had a huge bursitis. Compression, ice, elevation just wouldn’t cut it. In church, with my huge elbow wrapped up, the pastor prayed over the congregation as we left and signed off with “I have a feeling there will be some healings done today.” I took a nap after church, woke up and went about my day. It wasn’t until my mother asked about my elbow did I notice there was absolutely no swelling and hasn’t been ever since.

+ With the car accident, the medics looked at us, looked at the mangled piece of metal that used to be our car, and then back at us. “Son, you should not have been able to walk away from that accident.” A statement I still hadn’t fully grasped until years later when a family friend was in an almost identical accident and died. Big truck, little car, same angle, but slower speed than ours. I should not be here.

+Through being there for those beautiful, precious girls that each underwent a horrible tragedy, God used me to soothe their hearts. Somehow, I was able to stand firm for them while they fell apart. I was able to stand as an example that not all men are disgusting creatures. I was able to show them love when they felt they deserved none, showing them their worth in my eyes and in God’s. And in return, God healed their hearts, gave them hope, and their own story.

+I should not have graduated with the grades that I did, let alone have the ability to even compete for a spot in medical school. Forget the physical restraints of making it to class, the mental fog that made it impossible to study. An hour would go buy and I would only be 3 words away from where I started. Fast forward a few years, and this became even more unbelievable when I learned I have A.D.D. and have been fighting it unknowingly all my life. Not only did I pass these tests, I blew them out of the water. And that was not my doing.

+ And lastly, the ordeal I am facing now. Something I do not wish to make known. Why? Because 1) it doesn’t matter what it is and 2) I am hoping people may identify more by not narrowing it down. It has stopped me (for now) from starting a medical school I was already accepted into. However, I will not despair, I will not worry. God has a plan and I have learned this lesson so many times. Within hours of letting people know I will not be going this semester, I’ve had more and more unexpected confirmations that God needs me here just a little while longer and may just want me in another school. I am excited to see what is next.

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To make this clear, God did not MAKE these things I listed happen. This is a fallen world and bad things will happen. He may have LET them happen, but He did not MAKE them happen. But what is so beautiful about God is that He can reach His hand into the darkest of situations, the worst kinds of evil and wrench out that which is good for us and glory for Himself. What is used to do harm, God can turn it around and use for good.Take heart knowing that God himself is no exception. He knows the pains we face all too well. As Joni Eareckson Tada (an young athletic woman who was tragically made paraplegic) said, “God wrote the book on suffering. And he called it Jesus. When it comes to suffering, God does not try to get himself off the hook. Never, no. Jesus Christ is God on the hook.”

Let me leave you with one last thought. People are so horribly afraid of looking weak in front of others. Why? That’s the lie of our society “We mustn’t look weak. We are strong people that never falter. I don’t need your help. I’m not in trouble, I don’t need God.”

Truth is, we are weak. Yeah, there are things we are good at, and attributes we are strong in, but there WILL be a time where we are frail, insecure, or can’t control what happens. Some of the most confident and boisterous people I’ve met turned out to be the most insecure, frightened people that have been caught up in the lie of having to be strong. We believe we must be strong, so when we aren’t we don’t run to the One that can help. God.

I do not know what is to come. But I’m excited to find out, and yes a little scared. But, God has called me to heal and that is what I will do.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

2 Corinthians 12:9 “’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”